I know you’re all wondering how TSOS (The Summer of Staci for you late bloomers) is going and I have to say, so far so good. I mean 2010 has not been a banner year for yours truly, but things are looking up. I’m getting tan, trying to save some of my hard earned cash for the great move of 2010, and enjoying the sunshine, however I do have some rather large news regarding the dating life, here goes nothing.

You know what they say, when God gives you Irishmen, make sure they’re legit.  Back track for all you new ziners, I have been dating around and having some fun which ended abruptly as of last Friday.  The Irishman I was seeing finally came clean.  While he is of Irish heritage, the accent I had grown to adore is fake.  Excuse me, what?  Oh, you need me to repeat that?  He faked his accent for three months to not only me, but my friends and family.  It was a sad day dear friend, a sad day indeed.  However, a small amount of relief washed over me, I had avoided a drama filled yet fun relationship road trip. We had our fun in those three months of courtship; however the drama that always seemed to rear its ugly head was palpable.  Jealousy was an issue, as was ‘the talk’ which thankfully never happened.  Yet as disturbing as this is to admit, the fact that he faked the accent left me mildly wanting more. There, I said it and I stand by it damnit.  Yes, it was a little schitzo and yes I never caught on, but it was.. Odd? And if there’s one thing you should know about me it’s that I love the oddballs.  The silver lining regarding the faux accent- the bartender is still alive and kicking, thank God for contingency plans.

The next week co-contributor Julie had a Mexican Cantina Hot Tub Pens Game Party, obviously I had to tell her the news, after all she had met him.  So there we are, Julie, Alexa, and I discussing our relationships and having mild revelations about growing up.  We are now officially off our parents’ teats, moved out, feeding ourselves on a ramen diet, and making that money to pay those bills.  Thus, we have been forced to grow up.  Not only have our diets changed, but our relationships with friends and ‘more than’ friends have changed as well… for some of us. As of late my friends and I are finding ourselves in a mixture of relationships.  No name dropping sadly but some examples:  a few friends are placidly gliding towards a serious commitment with men of common interests, a few are physically involved but still figuring out the emotional side of the deal (I know, I hang out with some women of the evening to say the least), while others are dating around and playing mind games, yet to be determined as to if that will evolve to a full blown anything.  These differences in game playing made me wonder, do relationships need a certain amount of drama to keep the fires burning?  Could that be why our ‘great loves’ are so great?

You show me someone who doesn’t enjoy the chase of a potential suitor and I’ll show you a liar. I am not saying the ‘game’ is all it’s cracked up to be, but those first flirting attempts and first dates are what keep us coming back for more.  I mean, look at Blair and Chuck (yes I’m referencing Gossip Girl, judge me).  Their relationship wasn’t what I’d call ‘healthy’ but it most certainly was fun.  And I completely own up to this as well, I love the chase, but once it’s known that either side is in or out a little bit of that excitement goes away and my interest tends to fade as well.  Jealousy kept them entertained and involved in each other’s lives, but should we depend on that to keep the relationship going?  And jealousy isn’t the only poison, there are plenty to pick from.  But by using these tactics to keep the flame ignited are we dooming the relationship from the start?

My feedback won’t be of much use because every relationship I’ve had has been a bit tumultuous and most of the time it’s my fault.  I am not a homebody, I like to mix it up, and I love meeting new people.  Basically I have mild ADD, get bored easily, and depending on someone else terrifies me.  Also, I’ve said it in previous articles and I’m saying it again, I’m a woman and we do not know what we want. Last week I literally sat at Nicky’s Thai Kitchen with the aforementioned ladies plus a few, blatantly admitting that I did not want a relationship.  Today, legitimately five minutes ago I emailed my roommates complaining about the lack of a relationship in my life.  I think it just boils down to wanting what you can’t have and not knowing what do with it when you get it.

Like I said earlier, the thought of becoming dependent on someone else terrifies me, thus I’ve basically kept a wall up with any potential anything’s I’ve had in the past. It’s the ‘Penny Lane’ way of life if you will: “ … never take it seriously, if your never take it seriously, you never get hurt, you never get hurt, you always have fun”.   Sounds great and has been, but I’m now seeing that I’ve missed out on a lot by not putting myself out there. I can safely say that I’ve never to date at 24 years of age, had a serious, committed, trust filled relationship. After admitting that I’m not sure if I should be embarrassed, disappointed, or upset because to me it’s been the norm.  It’s not that I don’t know how to form a meaningful lasting relationship; it’s putting myself out there and allowing the possibility of pain and hurt stop me from committing to anything more than true friendship.  Maybe it’s time to take the leap, like Alfred Lord Tennyson once said, it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all (btw mad props to Hallie Pettibon because I honestly thought Billy Shakespeare wrote that). I should probably start reading more of him.

by Staci Roland

Sandwich Zine Contributor

July/August 2010 Issue #9